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View Full Version : The Ultimate Universe: Savior of the People (Teaser) My new/first novel


Niko Jims
07-01-2009, 03:59 AM
Been working on this for 5 years and have finally decided to write it. Please note that this is the first time I have ever written something like this. This is just the teaser. If I do decide to write it all, it could come to over 10 books...no joke. Hopefully, this turns out good. Hope you like it! NOTE: This is only the teaser.

Prologue
September 10, 2536-Aboard the UNSC ship, Dawn of Time

Today was full of pandemonium. Our ship just took of from Earth heading to the planet Reach. We had been sent to the planet from Earth departing at 8 AM. The ships main AI, Celesta, was making the final preparations. She is one of the top AI’s made to date. She was going to be the AI for our new “project” that was actually due today. Slightly modified, she is able to live 7 years more than the typical AI. Only problem is we had to take out some big parts. She is the beta AI for our newest AI’s that are going to be built in the future.

9:34 AM, the ship started to experience some minor difficulties. We didn’t know what was wrong and Celesta had no clue either. But, at the same time, our “project” was being delivered. We didn’t want these difficulties to damage the “project”. But, it just got worse. Then, Celesta noticed something in space. This portal like thing started forming. We tried to dodge it but we couldn’t. The ship went through it. Everything in the ship was going haywire! Celesta shut the whole ship down to prevent serious damage. We eventually exited the portal. Silence…

The time was unknown until Celesta turned the ship back on, it said it was 10:00 AM…1992. We decided to head back to Earth to assess the damage as one of the thrusters did receive some damage. Not enough to cause any major problems but we decided it was for the best. We called in but with no response. Then, one of the gems we had found on Earth started to glow. Celesta tried to see what was going on. All she could make out of it was that on that planet, which was believed to be Earth, was something important. We headed down in stealth mode to avoid detection.

As we touched down, we noticed that this was indeed Earth. But it was…different. The technology looked very, very outdated. The people there spoke English. They gazed at our armor. We asked them what the date was. September 10, 1992. We agreed that the portal had sent us back in time. We were saddened, though, because the “project” had failed delivery. But, the gem just glowed. This time, even more rapidly. The gem had first started to glow when it got close to the mother of the “project” when it was still in her. But, he is dead. We went to go bury him, when someone announced that they had seen a child just like that, that was born not to long ago.

We headed to where we were told he was and the closer we got, the more the gem glowed. Eventually, we got to the place. We saw the child. We couldn’t believe it. Was this child the reason the portal was created? Does the gem know something we don’t?(Since the gem looked like an emerald, we decided to call it a Chaos Emerald) There was only one way to find out. We made a super flash clone. Since we didn’t want to destroy the future, this one was made to live 21 years after it’s “parents” died. We hoped that this would work. We took the child with us. His name on the sheet was “Alex”.

Our ship headed off and the portal opened again. We went through it and appeared back where we were. We headed straight for Earth. Well, I was hoping to see Reach. Guess that won’t happen for a little bit. Well, “Alex”, you better be worth it.

-Recruit John R. Reynolds

Supernova141
07-01-2009, 05:37 AM
Um, is this supposed to be a Halo X Sonic crossover? xD (a planet called reach and chaos emeralds?)

Three things: The scene went straight from in orbit around earth to already on the planet talking to the locals over the course of a sentence. The transition is really unnatural. Second, where did they land? who were they talking to? Why did people not run away from a giant ship landing and talk to the soldiers on board as if it happened everyday? None of these things were answered. Third, and most importantly, I don't understand how a random person looked at a dead body and realized that there was a child who looked like that. First of all, what are the chances that he knew the kid, and second how did he know what a dead guy looked like as a baby. That didn't make any sense at all, unless i misunderstood what you were saying.

Niko Jims
07-01-2009, 05:47 AM
Um, is this supposed to be a Halo X Sonic crossover? xD (a planet called reach and chaos emeralds?)

Three things: The scene went straight from in orbit around earth to already on the planet talking to the locals over the course of a sentence. The transition is really unnatural. Second, where did they land? who were they talking to? Why did people not run away from a giant ship landing and talk to the soldiers on board as if it happened everyday? None of these things were answered. Third, and most importantly, I don't understand how a random person looked at a dead body and realized that there was a child who looked like that. First of all, what are the chances that he knew the kid, and second how did he know what a dead guy looked like as a baby. That didn't make any sense at all, unless i misunderstood what you were saying.


First, the ship went Invisible. Second, it is a crossover. A VERY BIG CROSSOVER. Let's jus tsay it's the biggest crossover that will ever be made. Period. Third, You will understand the baby thing later. I just decided not to tell you who the guy who noticed the baby was ;). 4th, this is a dairy of the guy. 5th, this guy is NOT the main character. 6th, the transition was like that because if the ships invisible and they land, there really isn't much else to tell. I don't know what you mean by the dead guy. The only person dead is the "project" or the new-born.


Also, it's gonna be like Star Wars as it will start when the kid is older.

Supernova141
07-02-2009, 04:35 AM
1. Starting from "but the gem just glowed" I completely lost you. I had no idea what you were saying after that no matter how many times i re-read it. Maybe it makes sense in your head because you know what's going on, but anybody reading this would be in the dark. I mean, if i had to guess what you were trying to say, i dont think I would even be in the ballpark.

2. Just because there wasn't anything else to say about the ship landing doesnt give you the right to go right from one scene to a completely different one MID-PARAGRAPH. You could've described what one of the ship mates was seeing or thinking as the ship entered the atmosphere, etc.

3. It isn't written as if it were a diary. A diary is supposed to be personal, but the text seems to be refering to the crew as a whole rather than the person writing. In fact, i don't think there was a single personal pronoun in there, it was always "we".

4. I don't see how that guy not being the main character has anything to do with the discussion. Are you implying that because he's not the main character it's okay for you to not be descriptive when you write about him?

I'm sorry but this story overall is pretty poorly written. I don't enjoy being mean, but when i review a story i owe it to the writter to be honest(brutaly so, if necessary), because if i don't point out mistakes now you'll just keep making them.

Niko Jims
07-02-2009, 04:40 AM
1. Starting from "but the gem just glowed" I completely lost you. I had no idea what you were saying after that no matter how many times i re-read it. Maybe it makes sense in your head because you know what's going on, but anybody reading this would be in the dark. I mean, if i had to guess what you were trying to say, i dont think I would even be in the ballpark.

2. Just because there wasn't anything else to say about the ship landing doesnt give you the right to go right from one scene to a completely different one MID-PARAGRAPH. You could've described what one of the ship mates was seeing or thinking as the ship entered the atmosphere, etc.

3. It isn't written as if it were a diary. A diary is supposed to be personal, but the text seems to be refering to the crew as a whole rather than the person writing. In fact, i don't think there was a single personal pronoun in there, it was always "we".

4. I don't see how that guy not being the main character has anything to do with the discussion. Are you implying that because he's not the main character it's okay for you to not be descriptive when you write about him?

I'm sorry but this story overall is pretty poorly written. I don't enjoy being mean, but when i review a story i owe it to the writter to be honest(brutaly so, if necessary), because if i don't point out mistakes now you'll just keep making them.


Thanks for the info. I kinda want to keep people guessing but re-reading it I see your points. Now I must go and edit! If their is anything else that you think needs work (this includes everyone) please reply!

Also for the guy talking, we wouldn't really know what someone looks like if it's them talking unless they were talking about themselves. This character will be in the series, this is just the beginning of it all. He will be explained later.

kirant
07-02-2009, 04:56 AM
Before reading - Could you state what the series are beforehand (OC/Fiction/Crossover)

She is one of the top AI’s made to date.
WHAT DATE?

Slightly modified, she is able to live 7 years more than the typical AI. Only problem is we had to take out some big parts. She is the beta AI for our newest AI’s that are going to be built in the future.
Before jumping in, I need a background. Try not starting off with a bang, but with a history.

We didn’t know what was wrong and Celesta had no clue either.
This kinda jumps off my willing suspension of disbelief. Celesta, the AI, should know very well what was going on likely.

Celesta shut the whole ship down to prevent serious damage.
Prolouges gneerally don't jump right into the action, but exist to provide INTRODUCTION.

The time was unknown until Celesta turned the ship back on, it said it was 10:00 AM…1992.
I don't even know the date now...

Not enough to cause any major problems but we decided it was for the best.
Is earth really the best choice...I mean, taking a spaceship to earth pre-common existance of ships could easily result in a time paradox...kinda breaks our suspension of disbelief (What prevents us from saying "Yah right")

The technology looked very, very outdated.
Redundant sentence? Coming from the future would do that.

We headed to where we were told he was and the closer we got, the more the gem glowed. Eventually, we got to the place. We saw the child. We couldn’t believe it. Was this child the reason the portal was created? Does the gem know something we don’t?
Good in a prolouge...

OVERALL COMMENT - This would be a good Chapter 1 opening if the "Willing Suspension of Disbelief" breaking moments can be fixed. As a prolouge, it leaves way too many questions and doesn't do a lot of introducing. It has potential though.

Niko Jims
07-02-2009, 05:07 AM
Before reading - Could you state what the series are beforehand (OC/Fiction/Crossover)

She is one of the top AI’s made to date.
WHAT DATE?

Slightly modified, she is able to live 7 years more than the typical AI. Only problem is we had to take out some big parts. She is the beta AI for our newest AI’s that are going to be built in the future.
Before jumping in, I need a background. Try not starting off with a bang, but with a history.

We didn’t know what was wrong and Celesta had no clue either.
This kinda jumps off my willing suspension of disbelief. Celesta, the AI, should know very well what was going on likely.

Celesta shut the whole ship down to prevent serious damage.
Prolouges gneerally don't jump right into the action, but exist to provide INTRODUCTION.

The time was unknown until Celesta turned the ship back on, it said it was 10:00 AM…1992.
I don't even know the date now...

Not enough to cause any major problems but we decided it was for the best.
Is earth really the best choice...I mean, taking a spaceship to earth pre-common existance of ships could easily result in a time paradox...kinda breaks our suspension of disbelief (What prevents us from saying "Yah right")

The technology looked very, very outdated.
Redundant sentence? Coming from the future would do that.

We headed to where we were told he was and the closer we got, the more the gem glowed. Eventually, we got to the place. We saw the child. We couldn’t believe it. Was this child the reason the portal was created? Does the gem know something we don’t?
Good in a prolouge...

OVERALL COMMENT - This would be a good Chapter 1 opening if the "Willing Suspension of Disbelief" breaking moments can be fixed. As a prolouge, it leaves way too many questions and doesn't do a lot of introducing. It has potential though.


1st. Date is right below Prologue-September 10, 2536

For Celesta, she shouldn't know. Mainly because she is a beta or prototype. She loses some valuable things a normal AI would have s she can last longer.

Taking that sentence out.

Same date, different year.

Alright, I think this should be a teaser instead of a prologue now that I think of it. So I am changing this to a teaser.